Laffs

KNOW YOUR DRINKS

A woman walked into a bar, saw two guys ordering for a vodka shot each. The first guy said, “Jack Daniel single!” The other said,”Johnnie Walker single!”. The lady then said “Fausat Jegede married!”.

WRONG CAB

A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – and I was in the wrong one.

Bombastic Idiot

A Jamaican Rastaman went to the hospital for treatment on his badly burnt ears and the doctor asked him: How did you get your ears so badly burnt?

PATIENT: I & I a iron mi shirt and one eddiat bwoy caal mi upon mi cell phone,and insteada me ansa the phone, me pick up de iron and ansa it.

DOCTOR: OK. That explains one ear. But how do you explain the other ear?

PATIENT: The bumbastic eediat calla me back.

LAWYERS’ SPEAK

The following questions by lawyers were taken from actual court documents in America; (ok, how true that is, I don’t know)…

“Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”

“Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”

Q: “What happened then?”
A: “He told me, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’”
Q: “And did he kill you?”

“The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“Do you have any children or anything of that kind?”

Q: “I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?”
A: “That’s me.”
Q: “Were you present when the picture was taken?”

“Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?”

Q: “Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated ?”
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by whose death was it terminated?”

Q: “Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”
A: “I’ll be three months on November 8th.”
Q: “Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: “Yes.”
Q: “What were you doing at that time?

“So you were gone until you returned?”

Q: “She had three children right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None.”
Q: “Were there any girls?”

“Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?”

“You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?”

Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

Q: “Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?”
A: “The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.”
Q: “And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?”

BIG DEAL

A young businessman had just started his own firm…He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office…Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working…He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

WATER

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday, you said it’s H to O!

NATIONALITY

Teacher: What are the people of Turkey called?
Student: I don’t know, sir.
Teacher: They are called Turks; now What are the people of Germany called?
Student: They are called Germs.

COMPOSITION

Teacher: Simon, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did u copy his?
Simon: No sir…it’s the same dog!

VIRTUE

Teacher: Children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be displaying?
Boy: Brotherly love!

JESUS SAVES

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

“It’s gone! It’s all GONE! “I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work..

Satan observed this and became irate.

“Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES !

Stupid Alone

Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.

Little Jimmy stood up, alone.

Mrs. White said, “Jimmy, do you really think you’re stupid?”

“No,” Jimmy said. “But I didn’t want you standing up there alone.”

Arabs and Americans

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,”I need to get up and get a beer”.

“Don’t get up,” said the American, “I’m in the aisle seat. I’ll get it for you”.

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American’s shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, “That looks good, I’d really like one, too”. Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“Why does it have to be this way?” he asked. “How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes,  pissing in beers?”

Productive Salesmanship

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the
customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.”

“Very good, Sally,” said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.”$2,467,” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Tooth brushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Tooth brushes,” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. “Hey, this tastes like sh*t!”

Then I would say, ” It is sh*t.” Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

3-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before
she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front
of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets
to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch

when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

Puff! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life.”

Puff! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want
those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.
They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night,
the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: BullSh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Cold Water

A young man went to visit his 80-year-old grandfather living in a very rural area.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his Grandpa, “Are these plates clean?”

Grandpa replied, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal.”

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!”

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, Grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass. He yelled back, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me out!”

So Grandpa shouted, “COLD WATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!”

Kisses as Money…

The following email correspondence ensues between a married couple;

Husband: Sweetheart, I can’t send my salary this month, so I am sending you 100 kisses. Your husband, Allen.

2 days later…

Wife: Honey, thanks for your 100 kisses, attached is the expense details…

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month’s milk.

2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items…

5. Other expenses; 40 kisses.

Please don’t worry about me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

PS: Shall I plan same way for next month? Please Advice.

Your sweetheart.

English…

Simple English: People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

Rev Chris Okotie English : Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

Network Error

A woman wanted to call her husband but realized she was out of credit. She then told her son to use his own phone to relay an urgent message to his dad who was on site. After Junior made the call, he informed his mum that there was a lady who picked up Daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching him on his mobile. She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway; she rushed out and gave him a hot slap. Then she slapped him again for good measure. People from the neighborhood rushed out to find out what the cause of the commotion was.

Woman: Junior, tell everybody what the lady said when you called your dad’s phone.

Junior: ”The subscriber you have dialed is not available.

Son of the Victim

A large crowd had gathered around a car that had been involved in a terrible accident. A newspaper reporter anxious to get the story could not get near the car, and decided to be smart about it.

He started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through!! I am the son of the victim.”

The crowd made way for him … Lying in front of the car was a DONKEY…

What’s in a Name?

An Igbo man got converted to Islam and was asked what name he would like to bear. He was given options like Ibrahim (Abraham), Suleiman (Solomon), Musa (Moses), among other names.

The man asked what use the names were. The Imam said “if you choose any of these names, you have hope that God will bless you the way He blessed those who originally bore those names”.

The Igbo man thought for a while and then asked the Imam “how about Dangote?”

Horse Call

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in her hand.

Man: “What was that for?”

Wife: “Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with “Daisy” written on it?”

Man: “Oh honey, don’t you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on.”

The wife was satisfied, and apologized for bonking him. Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.

Man: “What’s that for again?”

Wife: “Your horse called.”

Tomato Garden;

An Old Italian lived alone in New Jersey…He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament;

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie.

Linguistics Graduate;

The house of a graduate of linguistics was on fire… He ran to get help, shouting as he went; succour multitude, a great conflagration is consuming my domicile. It rages with magnitude. Oh!!! My gargantuan edifice has been engulfed in vast holocaust: until the house got burnt to ashes.

He then yelled “oh, help! My house is on fire!!!”

A short course on how to learn Chinese in 5 minutes;

That’s not right…

Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?…

Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP…

Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...

Dum Gai

Small Horse…

Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?…

Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table…

Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift…

Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here…

Wai So Dim?

Staying out of sight…

Lei Ying Lo

He’s cleaning his automobile…

Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive…

Yu Stin Ki Pu

I thought you were on a diet…

Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone…

No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week…

Wai Yu Kum Nao?

If Ladies were Banks;

The tall slim ones would be called–Skye bank

The robust and spacious ones–Oceanic bank

Those that move from one relationship to another–Intercontinental bank

The silent but dangerous ones–First inland bank

Those who are not cute yet love being heard–Bank PHB

Those who stick to one man–Fidelity bank (My category…lol)

Those who seem caring yet debit you massively for every affection–UBA

Those that go to any extent to make you sad–Zenith

Those who are old yet don’t realize they are no more in vogue–Union bank

The brief and summarized ones–Micro Finance

The huge ones that ”stand gidigba for ground’–First bank

The beautiful, reserved and homely ones–Diamond Bank (Me again, ask my hubby…lol)

The ones that must spend their annual vacation abroad even when the husband is broke-GTB

Meat Vs Fish;

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighbourhood. Every Friday, the Catholics are driven crazy because, while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steak. So the Catholics work to convert the Jew to Catholicism.

Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, “Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic.”

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighbourhood.

The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak.

He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, “Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish.”

No Risk taking;

Robert Mugabe goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the accompanying people, ‘You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just US$100.’

The Zimbabweans go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Mugabe shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, ‘Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100? With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, enough medicines to wipe out cholera, enough generators to never have blackouts again.’

The Zimbabweans replied, ‘Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take that chance of it happening again.

Youth Potion;

A man and his wife received a letter from their daughter studying overseas:

‘My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don’t know when I’m coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you’ll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a portion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you’ll be the same age as I left you.’

NB: “Please take only one drop”

So they open the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion…

The husband looks at the wife and says: “You go first.” So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.

A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back. The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.

The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.

“Your father got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle.”

“So where is he?”

“Oh, that’s him I have on my back.”

(Thanks to my bro Tope for this joke)

Age;

A lady bought a new line of expensive cosmetics when she heard that they would make her look years younger. After using them, she asked her husband:

“Sweetheart, tell me honestly, how old would you say I am?”

The man looks at her for a while and replies;

“Ok, lets see; judging by your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25.”

“Oh you flatterer, she gushed, delighted.”

“No wait, her husband replied. I have not added the numbers up yet!”

Tribal Differences;

A Yoruba Man was sitting with an Ibo man and a Hausa man in Saudi, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the Police entered and arrested them. They were initially given a death sentence but, as it was a national holiday, the sheikh decided they should be released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh said, “It’s my first wife’s birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you cannot wish not to be whipped!”

The Hausa man thought for a second then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping.” This was done but the pillow lasted 10 lashes.

The Ibo man saw this and said: “Please tie two pillows to my back before whipping.” This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes.

The Yoruba Man saw this, but before he could make his wish, the sheikh said: “As you share the same ethnicity with the president of your country, you are permitted to have two wishes!”

The Yoruba Man thought for a second, and then said: “Thank you, most royal and merciful highness. My first wish is to receive 100 lashes with the strongest, toughest whip available.” “If you so desire,” the sheikh replied with a questioning look on his face, “and your second wish?”

“Tie the Ibo man to my back.”

Nine words women use;

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine!

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say “you’re welcome”. (I want to add in a clause here – this is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’, that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” it will bring on a ‘whatever’).

8. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying Get Lost!

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response please refer to # 3.

(PS; I don’t agree with everything, but I definitely identify with some of the phrases…lol)

The right kind of wisdom;

A PhD graduate and an ordinary man went on a camping trip, set up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the ordinary man woke his PhD friend up: “Look up at the sky and tell me what you see?”

The PhD man replies: “I see millions of stars.”

The ordinary man asks: “What does that tell you?”

The PhD guy ponders for a minute: “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Satan is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?”

The ordinary man is silent for a moment, and then speaks:

“Practically…it tells me that someone has stolen our tent”.

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• The Flash Back Collection